Love is lost, heart is gone

Friday, September 14, 2012

Been long since i've last blogged. Recently, i've been suffering from piles, which is a rather disgraceful disease due to constipation. Anwyay, its today when i'm forcing myself to eat my own bitter medicine that i realized something different between myself from the past and now. Its amazing how much i can change in just this short period of time. which is disappointing at the same time.

This illness i'm having now made me remember how different i was in the past and now. Remembering myself in my younger days when i had fever, i would immediately go to sleep and pray that fever would be gone when i wake up, which never once work, i would avoid eating medicine and sleep my way through until mum came back from work and start scolding me for not eating panadol myself. In the past, when i dont feel well, i would call my mum and notify her about my problem, she would then nag at me for abit and start to tell me what to do and so, everytime after hearing her voice, my heart soften and i feel this calm and warm sensation, and eventually i would start crying quietly without letting her know. when im sick, the first thing i wish for is mum by my side to take care of me. but that is hardly the case as she has to work. But that is now all the past.
Now that im feeling unwell, i managed myself, eat medicine n stuff, research on my own condition and gradually recover. In the end, my mum became the last person to know about my condition. Its so surprisingly and ironly how i would cry just by hearing her voice in the past and now, just not wanting her to know. it seems as thou i bear a hatred on her which should never exist. I always wanted to open up to her, but it is not as easy as it seems, there seems to be a force blocking me and preventing me to do so. could it be my pride itself?

i hate to admit, but i hold my pride strongly, which mix well in my way of living. It is a good thing, as my pride shines in the light which would not allow myself to commit crimes and what people calls ' bad things'. These prides became my principal of living and i'm committing to it. I have to say, i learnt all this from one of my clique buddy. He always said something like ' if i wont do it, i wont say it' kind of thing. Which impacts me a lot and have the urge to dedicate to this 'goal'. It seems to be working, thou, allowing myself to be nice to people, apologize when i'm in the wrong and stuff like that. That, is my pride, because i stay committed to myself and my way of living.

*Don't get me wrong, my pride is not equal to ego as ego represents being right at all times, not respecting other's decision or comments and self centered. My case is yet opposite as to what i have listed.

However, this pride has also backfired me in a way that i have a hard time communicating with my mum. We had a fight serveral months back due to some affairs and since then haven been talking to her much because i'm pissed and somehow declaring this ' cold-war' . However, thats not the end, this cold war never seems to end as overtime, my actions of ignoring and neglecting her became a form of rebilliation and addiction that it became a everyday thing in my life. i didnt talk much to my mum as thou i bear a big grudge against her. which was never true. now that i think about it, it all made sense. It is due to my pride again. As i mentioned, i will not apologize unless it is my fault. and even if its just a small part of my fault, i would still apologize because of my contribution. however, in this scenario, i fail to find any fault at myself in the previous fight, which made me unable to put an end to this war. I really do hope i can be like myself in the past with my family, opening up to her and all. but i'm afraid, it might never happen.

I certainly am aware of those sayings like' appreciate whats there for you before they are gone'. And i am certain one day, when my mum leave me *touch wood* i'll be devastated and wonder why am i such a failure son and regret for not putting in effort to love my mum as much. But, i'm stuck. I dont wish it would happen but i couldnt make myself to change.

I hope that the card, The Heriophant would guide me, enlighten me, wake me up from the shadows and become a better for myself.

6:05 PM